RT thank you. All of you on here have been such a great help. It just keeps getting harder. . I mean, the more I think about it the more I question myself. I know what I want to do. I want to be with HER, not the CRACK. And as it's been said, I can only be with one or the other never both. Everyone's prayers I believe are truly helping. I just keep thinking about it, and thinking about what she's doing right now and I know what she's more than likely doing right now, as all of you do. I know that if I leave, it's not a great deal of pain, but it still hurts terribly. However, if I stay, and get even closer to her, I know that it will be a great deal of pain later on if it comes up again. I'm just at a loss right now. Confused... Plus, I know that it's putting a strain on my family, because, of course they worry about me, and see me in this state, and I know it hurts them, as well, as myself, but I just think that this is the right thing to do right now. I tried to call her earlier, not really expecting her to answer, I just told her that I love her, and to be strong, and when she's straight I will still be here. I have a feeling though, as I've said, that she'll be better tomorrow, b/c she has school, and I take her to school.
But something in my mind is telling me that I should be here, and I that I am supposed to be here, and go through this with her. Because a while back when we first started talking, and she told me about her terrible past, naturally, I would've ran, and never looked back, and not worried about it. But I didn't. She's told me more than she has ever told any of her other "significant other"'s and yet, I am still here through all that she has told me. And when she told me all of that, I would've ran, but for some reason I stayed. And then I was at her house one night, and it looked as though something was bothering her, so I asked her what was wrong, and she just got upset, saying, that she didn't understand why I was still with her, she was crying saying, "I don't understand why you'd want to be with me, look at me Jonathan, I don't have a job, I have a bad criminal record, I'm 22, and I live with my parents, she said, you're 19, you have you're whole life ahead of you, you shouldn't have to worry about me, and what I do. I'm glad that you're here,and i'm thankful but you deserve better. You shouldn't go through this" I just told her that it was my choice, and that I couldn't help the fact that I cared so much for her. So, I really beleive that I was put here to help her. So I am.. Regardless. Everyone I've talked to have told me one of two things, 1.) You're dumb. Leave.. 2.) If you care for her, then you should be there. I am going to be there.. I hate this, but I just try to look for the good that can come out of it. Especially when she realizes that I truly care about her, and am still here after this episode. But like all of you said, I am going to tell her.. Help yourself, or I'm out. I mean, I love you, but it seems as though you'd rather get high on something you know is terrible rather than be with me, and treated with the upmost respect, and love. I've obviously treated her 100 times better than anyone she has ever been with which is sad. No woman deserves to be treated the way she has been. I also asked her therapist today what may have caused the relapse, whether it was something that happened in her life, or whether it was just the addiction. He told me, "Jonathan, you can't think it's you. It's not you, it's the addiction.", I already knew that it wasn't me really. But it's just hard. So, all I can ask from anyone that reads this is deep, deep, prayer. I think that is the only thing that can help me and her at this point. I know that it is up to her to change herself, but I just want to as I've said, "Spark her brain to change, and realize what she's doing is awful." It's just starting to hurt wondering what she's doing, and how she's doing.. But it isn't about me, I'm going to take care of me, I just need help on figuring out what to do about her.. I can try to figure that out to, I think I'll get it. I just hope she wakes up and realizes what the [censored] she is doing to herself. It hurts to see someone you care so much about do that to themselves, especially when they've had the conversation with you saying how they hate it when they are on it, ......yet get on it when they get weak.. All in all, I know that I'll be a stronger person after all of this, regardless of how it turns out. My hearts been ripped out and ran over. I can honestly say this is the worst pain I've ever felt. I apologize though, b/c this post is not really about me, and I don't want to make it seem that way. It's more about her, and how to deal with her, and what to do.. Thank all of you once again. -Jonathan
