Contour Enthusiasts Group Archives Forums General Common Interests Need prayers and words of encouragement/advice

yeah, i am doing it for myself as well as her. I told her that I love her, and I mean that. So if I leave her when she needs me most, I would've been lying. I'm no lier. i know she'll straighten up, she's even told me she hates the way she is when she is on it. I will question her about that the next time that I talk to her. I'm just going to keep praying, keep talking to her therapist, and do what my heart says.. Ever had your mind and your heart wanting to do 2 conflicting things? Sucks don't it.. My mind says be smart and run. My heart says that I care about her and she needs help, and i need to do what I can. I'm trying not to let it bring me down too much, but there is only so much I can really handle.. I know one things for sure, I will be a much stronger person after all of this is said and done. I know I shouldn't put myself through this, and know that most of you are going to say that I shouldn't be putting myself through this, but when you care about someone more than they care about thereselves, there tends to be some pain. But I'm getting stronger in dealing with this, and I'll try to make it. Thank all of you once again. - Jonathan

I'm sorry for your situation and I'm sorry if you don't like what I'm about to say but...
You sound like a co-dependant waiting to happen. She told you she was only going to do this for a couple days till school starts again? That's not a slip! She lit up right in front of you? Sorry but the drug means more to her than you do! I won't go into my personal history but I've been on both sides as the user and the used. You can be her rock, you can be her shoulder to cry on, but only once. Like others have said you have to let her know NOW that there will be no "I'll quit next week" or "It's just this one last time" The long she continues to use the less you're dealing with her and the more you're dealing with the drug and crack doesn't negoiate. It's all or nothing with that stuff. Tell her you love her, tell her how much she means to you, tell her what this is doing to you. Then tell her that you will be there for her 100% as long as she stays clean. If she can't do that for you you're gone and MEAN it! Look, if there were no consciences for an addicts actions why would they want to get straight? Don't think that you are her last hope.
Good luck and my prayers are with the two of you!

RT thank you. All of you on here have been such a great help. It just keeps getting harder. . I mean, the more I think about it the more I question myself. I know what I want to do. I want to be with HER, not the CRACK. And as it's been said, I can only be with one or the other never both. Everyone's prayers I believe are truly helping. I just keep thinking about it, and thinking about what she's doing right now and I know what she's more than likely doing right now, as all of you do. I know that if I leave, it's not a great deal of pain, but it still hurts terribly. However, if I stay, and get even closer to her, I know that it will be a great deal of pain later on if it comes up again. I'm just at a loss right now. Confused... Plus, I know that it's putting a strain on my family, because, of course they worry about me, and see me in this state, and I know it hurts them, as well, as myself, but I just think that this is the right thing to do right now. I tried to call her earlier, not really expecting her to answer, I just told her that I love her, and to be strong, and when she's straight I will still be here. I have a feeling though, as I've said, that she'll be better tomorrow, b/c she has school, and I take her to school.
But something in my mind is telling me that I should be here, and I that I am supposed to be here, and go through this with her. Because a while back when we first started talking, and she told me about her terrible past, naturally, I would've ran, and never looked back, and not worried about it. But I didn't. She's told me more than she has ever told any of her other "significant other"'s and yet, I am still here through all that she has told me. And when she told me all of that, I would've ran, but for some reason I stayed. And then I was at her house one night, and it looked as though something was bothering her, so I asked her what was wrong, and she just got upset, saying, that she didn't understand why I was still with her, she was crying saying, "I don't understand why you'd want to be with me, look at me Jonathan, I don't have a job, I have a bad criminal record, I'm 22, and I live with my parents, she said, you're 19, you have you're whole life ahead of you, you shouldn't have to worry about me, and what I do. I'm glad that you're here,and i'm thankful but you deserve better. You shouldn't go through this" I just told her that it was my choice, and that I couldn't help the fact that I cared so much for her. So, I really beleive that I was put here to help her. So I am.. Regardless. Everyone I've talked to have told me one of two things, 1.) You're dumb. Leave.. 2.) If you care for her, then you should be there. I am going to be there.. I hate this, but I just try to look for the good that can come out of it. Especially when she realizes that I truly care about her, and am still here after this episode. But like all of you said, I am going to tell her.. Help yourself, or I'm out. I mean, I love you, but it seems as though you'd rather get high on something you know is terrible rather than be with me, and treated with the upmost respect, and love. I've obviously treated her 100 times better than anyone she has ever been with which is sad. No woman deserves to be treated the way she has been. I also asked her therapist today what may have caused the relapse, whether it was something that happened in her life, or whether it was just the addiction. He told me, "Jonathan, you can't think it's you. It's not you, it's the addiction.", I already knew that it wasn't me really. But it's just hard. So, all I can ask from anyone that reads this is deep, deep, prayer. I think that is the only thing that can help me and her at this point. I know that it is up to her to change herself, but I just want to as I've said, "Spark her brain to change, and realize what she's doing is awful." It's just starting to hurt wondering what she's doing, and how she's doing.. But it isn't about me, I'm going to take care of me, I just need help on figuring out what to do about her.. I can try to figure that out to, I think I'll get it. I just hope she wakes up and realizes what the [censored] she is doing to herself. It hurts to see someone you care so much about do that to themselves, especially when they've had the conversation with you saying how they hate it when they are on it, ......yet get on it when they get weak.. All in all, I know that I'll be a stronger person after all of this, regardless of how it turns out. My hearts been ripped out and ran over. I can honestly say this is the worst pain I've ever felt. I apologize though, b/c this post is not really about me, and I don't want to make it seem that way. It's more about her, and how to deal with her, and what to do.. Thank all of you once again. -Jonathan

yeah, i told her therapist that she lit it up in front of me, and he just told me, "She wanted you leave". So I mean, even by that point, she was already high on the stuff, so she obviously wasn't her. And it hurts b/c she's told me before, "When someone gets on it, its not them. They'll do stuff on it that they would never do sober" And it's just crazy, b/c the night before she looked me in my eyes, and said, "Jonathan, I would never do anything intentionally to hurt you" I believe her. Now I'm viewing it as everything negative that happens, or that she does, it isn't her. It's the drug. Man... This is getting worse, and worse, I just wish tomorrow was here, so I could see where I'm at with this. ...............................

Brother,

I hear you, I understand how your heart breaks as I watch my wife throw away our marriage to chase a guy 20 years older than she is.

What future is there in a relationship with a married man who would cheat on his wife.

I'm saying that to let you know I understand the feelings you are feeling right now.

It's apparent that she is hurting inside. She has some sort of pain or unfilled emotional need that she is trying to "medicate" away.

You can't make her quit, but you can set boundaries, such as you won't give her any money, you won't be with her when she is using, etc. However, you can share with her that you do care about her, and want her to experience the best life has to offer.

My prayer for you two is that God will show both you and her His will for your lives. That you both will allow God's Holy Spirit to work in your lives.

I know it seems strange, but sometimes we just have to get out of the way and let God work in her life. It works.

I've been my own worst enemy since my wife moved out 7 months ago. Over the past month, I've really been able to finally let go of my anger and have a more forgiving heart. I've really seen how I contributed to her unhappiness, and how the things I do, push her away.

I have this quiet confidence that she will return to the marriage, but not because of any specific action I do. Rather, I think the changes I have allowed God to make in my life are beginning to bear fruit.

That's the best thing you can do, allow God to work in your life, and to let the joy of your salvation show. I believe if you pray for that as well as praying that God will show her there is a way that does satisfy, she will see the truth.

See Paul's letter to the Colossians. In Colossians 1:3-14

Quote:

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Thanksgiving and Prayer

We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you, because we have heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love you have for all the saints-- the faith and love that spring from the hope that is stored up for you in heaven and that you have already heard about in the word of truth, the gospel that has come to you. All over the world this gospel is bearing fruit and growing, just as it has been doing among you since the day you heard it and understood God's grace in all its truth. You learned it from Epaphras, our dear fellow servant, who is a faithful minister of Christ on our behalf, and who also told us of your love in the Spirit.
For this reason, since the day we heard about you, we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of his will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. And we pray this in order that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please him in every way: bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all power according to his glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience, and joyfully giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light. For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

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Pray for her and yourself as Paul prayed for this church that you both a filled with the knowledge of God. Not facts and figures, but that you both understand how God loves all of us, and wants us to find satisfaction in working for Him.

This life is not about us. God created us to have a relationship with Him first, and then our relationships with family and others here on earth.

I encourage you to read Rick Warren's "The Purpose Driven Life..." it is an excellent text for seeking God's will, His purpose for your life. It's meant to be read over 40 days, a chapter each day with a question to think and meditate on.

I hope this all helps, and I'm lifting you both up in my prayers.

TB

thank you bofh. today is the day i try to talk to her and see where we are. i know that the only way through this is through God. my mom made me realize, and you just solidified it. thank you. i woke up this morning in a severe state of depression, however, i just asked the lord to help me through the day, and i know he will. i am extremely weak right, emotionally and physically. i have no energy. none to move, none to think. it's taking a toll on my body, but hopefully today things will change. i love her so much, and it is literally killing me to see her go through this. i just hope that i can find the knowledge that God wants the both of us to have. I have to in some way remove the demon that is inside of her that is holding her down. i know that's what it is. It's a demon. I have to someway get that demon out of her. Let her realize that it is in there. thank you for all of your prayers in this trying time in my life. I hope that I can just talk to her today and let her know what she's done to herself, and to me. i have no appetite, no energy to do anything. But I am just going to continue putting it in God's hands. I know he will make everything better in his own time. Thank you. Please just continue praying for the demons inside of her to leave her mind, body, and soul, as I will. Thank you.

2 months of knowing someone and you are borderline depressive over an attractive drug addict?

I respect and admire your desire to help a person in need, but she's not the only one here that is sounding like they have an "addictive" personality here...

I know I'm going to come off as a "Grade A" [censored] here, but you might consider that I've done my fair share of substance abuse in my younger years and lost a close friend to that lifestyle. I also watched an ex-girlfriend (with whom I had a relationship with of 18 months) fall down the same path and tried to help her out of the "habit", with no success and a great deal of personal pain to show for it...

If there's one thing I can state with little uncertainty, if she's been doing crack and you've only known her for 2 months, YOU DO NOT KNOW HER AT ALL. Period. End of story. I don't care if you've spent 24/7 with her joined at the hip, YOU DO NOT KNOW HER. There were times I barely recognized myself as compared to who I was before I started playing with dope. The same goes for my friend who's life still revolves around getting blitzed, as he's night and day different than what he used to be.

If you've established an emotional attachment to this degree where you are becoming depressed and physically ill, I would suggest getting help yourself as this isn't natural or normal for one to be going through to the degree that you seem to be, especially in a situation such as this. I would go so far to say that you aren't seeing her with clear eyes or thinking with a clear mind, such is your desire to help and your infatuation with the idea of her. Furthermore, I would suggest that her physical attractiveness to you has even further handicapped any ability at concise and logical thought on your part here.

If you are doing things the way I did them with my ex, you are setting yourself up for one HELL of a hard fall and ARE NOT doing her or yourself a bit of good here. Baring your soul to her at ANY stage in her addiction isn't going to do a DAMN thing to get her to quit her errant ways. Addiction just doesn't work that way and more often than not it will FURTHER support her addiction in that she knows that you'll do just about anything to support her. That ESPECIALLY goes for emotional support.

Here's where I become the Devil himself:

I never did crack, but I've been told it's probably one of the most difficult addictions to kick. With any severe addiction, the person addicted has to hit BOTTOM more often than not.

Physical, spiritual, emotional ROCK-BOTTOM.

Addicts usually have to face COMPLETE and ABSOLUTE abandonment before they see what they are doing to themselves and others around them. It sucks, it hurts to do this to someone and it makes one feel like an bloody ghoul. Furthermore, there's no guarantee that they won't sink into utter depression and despair at this stage and ultimately try to end their lives. Ultimately, that may be better than the utter husk of a being that they may turn into...

I served as a shoulder to cry on, a place to crash and burn, a pick-me-up and a WHOLE slew of other things for my ex for close to a year. I professed my care, my support, my time and my energy, all of which was gladly accepted to keep her balanced out until she was semi-sober enough to run off to get her next fix.

All I did was to merely further her downward spiral and act as a crutch for her activities. The damnable thing about it is that I was told by a number of people to ditch her and kill all forms of support; told by folks who went through this before with someone else they loved. I was too smart and too determined to listen (translation: too hard-headed and blithely ignorant), though, until an abortion was brought about by my "support" and "caring", in combination with her "habit".

Of course, I wasn't let on this dirty little secret until months after it had happened and it was the ultimate moment of clarity and focus for me when I was told of it. It is what finally opened my eyes to what I allowed myself and my blind, shallow love and support to become privy to.

Your situation hits me in a tender area, as it brings forth a fair amount of deja-vu. I hope your episode ends up far better than mine did. I can't tell you what to do, but consider that I've walked in shoes quite similar to your own in this matter.

Long story short: get her ass in a clinic (NOT counciling) and keep your emotions and support bottled up for her until she cleans up. Trust in God, but know that God helps those who want to help themselves and sometimes not even then.

Jato,

Excellent advice. I don't think you came across poorly at all.

All emotion needs to be removed from your decision making when dealing with an issue like this. Staying, supporting, listening, etc won't help her and as difficult as the decision may be, you have to leave.

If it were I, I'd end the relationship. Here's what I'd use to justify doing so.

· I need to let her hit rock bottom on her own
· Do I want to help her battle this the rest of our relationship/lifetime
· How many more times will I visit a crack house, and what's my risk each time I do
· There are many other quality women out there w/o this issue/baggage
· If I wanted to be a Social Worker/Counselor I'd go back for a degree first