I know many of you get tired of some of the soap opera's here, but my heart is broken, and I need some help and prayer.
My wife told me two weeks ago she wants to move out.
I didn't see it coming. Mostly my fault as I've been pretty selfish and wanted many things my way.
I've been pretty angry and bitter and frustrated for the past year or so. I've not been getting along with my step daughter.
I had no idea how bad I hurt her, and what I was doing to her. What I thought were suggestions about better ways to do thing were interpreted as criticisms of faults. So obviously, something was lost in the translation from man to woman.
It was never my intent to hurt her feelings or to invalidate her in any fashion. But she has taken what I've done in just this fashion.
Well I see it now, but she says it is too late, and she wants to move out for a while. She is not talking divorce, yet, but she does want to leave for a while. My fear is that she will not want to come back.
I want to show her that I get it, and that I want to atone for my neglect.
It just seems she has hardened her heart against this, and will not entertain any other solution.
I've seen a counsellor about our relationship with Chelsea (step daughter) but she is not willing to enter counselling with me. She will not sit down with any other people to consider other solutions.
I don't want her to leave, but I don't want her to put me through some sort of test to see if I can win her back.
I've not been the spiritual leader I've needed to be in my home. Worshiping God has taken a back seat to day to day living. This was wrong, because we both met in a church, and based our relationship on this. She will not even entertain going to worship again. Seems I chose the church we went to, and it didn't meet her spiritual needs.
God, how could I have been so blind to what I was doing to her, and to what I didn't give her.
I gave her much, but it seems little of it was what she really wanted or needed.
Now she is telling me she wants to see if she needs me by leaving for a while.
This frustrates me now because I do get it, and want to fix what I've broken.
I was breaking her heart, and I didn't even realize I was doing it until now.
I feel pain, guilt, shame, anger, frustration, hopelessness, despair. I also know that with work we can turn each of these feelings into pleasure, happyness, satisfaction, hope and joy.
I'm under 250# for the first time in a long time, because I have no appetite.
I understand why she is reluctant to trust me, I've not been the most loving and considerate husband for the past 7 years. I would just like the opportunity to make up for that without the threat of tearing our family apart.
It's a control thing for me, I feel I have little say in the outcome if she leaves. I believe that if she does do that, it is a threshold she cannot or will not return from.
I ask for three things:
1. Pray for her, I'm certain she is in as much pain if not more than I am. How we each got to our pain was very different. For her, it was 10000 pricks of a needle. For me it is a sudden knife to the heart, that I really did not see coming. So pray for her that she can forgive me and let me make up for what I've done and more importantly, what I've not done.
I think this is key, that she find it in her heart to forgive me. I'd like her to believe that she can do this without leaving, but if she does leave, that she can see that we are still a good team that just needs some practice loving each other again.
2. Pray for our children, this will be very hard on them. Chelsea and I have made a lot of progress in the past few weeks, and I think of her as my own daughter. We've had our moments, but we've also accomplished a lot. Camy is almost 5 and I'm not sure she understands what's going on, but she does know that something is up.
3. Finally, pray for me that I can honor the comittments I've made, both my initial wedding vows and my renewed comittment to love her like she really deserves. I want the opportunity to demonstrate this first hand, and the opportunity to fix the mess I've made.
Thanks for letting me dump my heart here on the CEG.
TB
