If it's a .45, then I wouldn't be quite so worried about kick (as long as you don't flinch when you shoot) because that flying ashtray it spits out will do some damage right away...IF you hit. You should look hard at the HK USP Compact line, and see if you can try out that gun in different calibers. They're available in 9mm, .40, .357Sig, and .45, so one should fit your needs.
I have a friend, though, who carries a .22Mag autoloader (Automag II) as his personal defense handgun, and I'll tell you...you may not get as much stopping power per individual shot, but I could put FIVE .22" holes in a head silhouette in 2-3 seconds with that thing, and those bullets carry a lot of velocity. He said he preferred the controllability and speed of followups over the "anything that doesn't start with a 4 is too small" argument.
