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Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 480
CEG\'er
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OP
CEG\'er
Joined: Apr 2003
Posts: 480 |
> Gotta love drunk people
>
>
>A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the
>morning by a loud pounding on the door.
>The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
>stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
>"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in
>the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
>"Who was that?" asked his wife.
>"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
>"Did you help him?" she asks.
>"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is
>pouring out there!"
>"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
>"Can't you remember about three months agowhen we broke
>down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help
>him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
>The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out
>into the pounding rain. He calls out into th e dark,
>"Hello, are you still there?"
>"Yes" comes back the answer.
>"Do you still need a push?" calls out thehusband.
>"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
>"Where are you?" asks the husband.
>"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk
94 Honda Passport 4X4
yeah it's a Honda, what about it...
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Joined: May 2003
Posts: 1,081
Hard-core CEG\'er
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Hard-core CEG\'er
Joined: May 2003
Posts: 1,081 |
What goes in hard and pink, but comes out soft and mushy?
Bubblegum (what were you thinking?)
I got caught being gross on this one
tired of the bs
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 1,889
Hard-core CEG\'er
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Hard-core CEG\'er
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 1,889 |
This is one of my favorites,
These two guys are walking down the street when they see a pitbull bent over licking himself. One guy says "Boy I wish I could do that" to which the other guy replies "I don't know he looks kinda mean you better pet him first!
Badump baaaa! That's it I'm spent, Goodnight I'll be here all week. Try the veal!
99 Contour Sport SE MTX
KKM filter, B&M shifter
No res, BAT kit
Green car silver hood (because silver is faster)
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 233
CEG\'er
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CEG\'er
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 233 |
I dunno, are PG-13 jokes allowed here? Well, mods can delete it afterwards... A married guy and a single guy are carpooling to work along a neighborhood street, and they spot two dogs are "making it" doggie-style on the front lawn of a house. Married guy ask the other what are those dogs doing on the lawn. "You mean, you didn't know that position? For... having sex?" The married guy admitted he's brought up conservatively, and so's his wife, so no. The single guy nods. "Go home, have a couple Margaritas with your wife, and get her to try it. She'll like it." The married guy promised he'll try tonight. Next day, the married guy came in with a ****-eating grin. The single guy asked, "Well, how did she like it?" Married guy replied, "At first, she wouldn't have it, no way. She didn't agree to go outside to the lawn until the sixth Margarita." 
Just a plain jane '96 LX V-6 here...
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Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 17,248
CEG road warrior
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CEG road warrior
Joined: Aug 2001
Posts: 17,248 |
Originally posted by corrupted_by_CEG:
> Gotta love drunk people
>
>
>A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the
>morning by a loud pounding on the door.
>The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken
>stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
>"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in
>the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
>"Who was that?" asked his wife.
>"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
>"Did you help him?" she asks.
>"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is
>pouring out there!"
>"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
>"Can't you remember about three months agowhen we broke
>down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help
>him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
>The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out
>into the pounding rain. He calls out into th e dark,
>"Hello, are you still there?"
>"Yes" comes back the answer.
>"Do you still need a push?" calls out thehusband.
>"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
>"Where are you?" asks the husband.
>"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk
LMAO! That is funny! 
Hector
2003 Rally Red Mitsubishi Evolution VIII
257HP/259TQ
2005 Lapis Blue Mazda 6s
RET: 00 Cabernet Red Ford Contour Zetec ATX SUPERCHARGED
160HP/141TQ
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Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 8,301
Addicted CEG\'er
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Addicted CEG\'er
Joined: Aug 2000
Posts: 8,301 |
LMAO at the first one
-Ken V.
1998.5 SE Praire Tan Zetec ATX
psycho_bass@hotmail.com
Roush springs Roush rear sway bar BAT struts 17" Millie Miglia HT3 and a ton of subtle asthetic mods
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Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 846
Veteran CEG\'er
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Veteran CEG\'er
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 846 |
Originally posted by RT and his SE:
This is one of my favorites,
These two guys are walking down the street when they see a pitbull bent over licking himself. One guy says "Boy I wish I could do that" to which the other guy replies "I don't know he looks kinda mean you better pet him first!
Badump baaaa! That's it I'm spent, Goodnight I'll be here all week. Try the veal!
That's a good one!
Here is one of mine. Very long but worth it I think.
Jackass
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!!! Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?"
Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again.
When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller ID program?" He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863.
[Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking pace. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro came flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space.
I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I was here first!" The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello." I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the
car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying,
"Hello."
I yelled "You're a jackass!", but I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, Jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your ass."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jackass!" And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing.
Glorious!
Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
*Invisible Hero*
1999 SVT Contour/Amazon Green
Keep It Real.
Beware the fury of the silent man.
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Joined: May 2000
Posts: 21,197
I have no life
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I have no life
Joined: May 2000
Posts: 21,197 |
OMFG! I'm crying over that one.
-'96 SE MTX 3L
-'98 SVT 1,173 of 6,535
-'05 Mazda 6s, loaded, g/f's ride
-Need a 96-00 manual on CD? PM or email me
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Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 246
CEG\'er
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CEG\'er
Joined: Jul 2003
Posts: 246 |
...You won't make this putt, JACKASS!
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Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 846
Veteran CEG\'er
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Veteran CEG\'er
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 846 |
Originally posted by tastethefury:
...You won't make this putt, JACKASS!
Okay Happy Gilmore guy!
Ha ha ha! That movie was the Schizz!
-Bishop
*Invisible Hero*
1999 SVT Contour/Amazon Green
Keep It Real.
Beware the fury of the silent man.
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