Well, I've finally discovered the connection between every problem I've been having with my speakers... I can't believe I didn't figure this out on day one.

I peeled the door panel off of the front driver's side door (the location where most of the rattling occured)... lo and behold, the adapter plate for the 5.25" component speaker was broken on the bottom end! The speaker was actually just sitting in the original 6x8 hole.
So now,
1. It's no wonder it was rattling. That was the sound of the adapter plate loosening before breaking...
2. It's no wonder my amp was shorting with the speaker sitting in a hole, attached to nothing.
3. It's no wonder high volume+bass caused a short just the same as hitting a speed bump.
I'm just glad the speaker survived this onslaught. Score another one for Alpine.

.RMk..