Whats my problem?
I've battled depression before and it was probably the darkest time of my life. It was back in High School. I was always a B student, hardly ever missed school and excelled at sports and music. Then one day, over the summer, something tragic happened. I don't want to say what, but I'll just dance around it like a politician. Basically, it was a quiet room with about 30 of my closest friends. We were taking the big FINAL of this class; I was 15 at the time. Something happened to me that was devastating. Everyone else forgot about it 30 minutes after the class was over, but I can't get over it to this day. It has tore me up, ripped me apart and I just can't get over it. I did pretty bad my first year of college then I worked this last year. I MUST return to school this fall and it's what I want to do. The anxiety I feel just thinking about school is horrible.
When it was time to return to school that fall, I thought everything was great. Well little did I Know I was messed up. The first class I had was Consumer math with a lot of older students, students that intimidated me. As soon as the bell rang and it became quite, it started. My palms began to drip with sweat, I felt like I was running out of air, my stomach was twisting and turning and I felt like I was going to pass out. I just couldn't take it anymore; I asked to go to the bathroom and went home. It was like this ALL year long. I just could not go to school. My attendance was horrific and I received a few mandatory F's for it. This got me depressed because I really wanted to be at school. I missed my friends and all the activities I would miss out on. So, I went to see a psychologist. He put me on an anti-depressant called Paxil. The medication helped a little, but made me very outspoken. I started doing things I would have never done. Looking back now, I think I was too immature to handle the medication. So, I quite taking it and struggled through high school. At one time, I was on the honor roll and dreamed of being class president like my dad, but my “problem” would not allow me this pleasure.
It's time to move on with my life and I would really like that. I think I have an issue that will stop me from being successful. It seems like every time that I'm faced with being in a quite room such as taking a test, job interview, or doctor's office, I freak out. The panic attacks come up and I sometimes end up leaving or avoiding the situation. One example of me avoiding this is when I signed up for the ACT thinking that I need to take this to get into a four-year school. Well, after paying my 25.00 dollars, I ended up not going because the thought of that hot, small room filled with people freaked me out. This is what scares me, not matter how much I want something, if it scares me or makes me think I'll have a panic attack, I will just avoid it.
This is why I'm asking for your opinions. I want to go to school and have a very successful career, but this issue won't allow that. I've tried getting over it myself, but that's just not doing the trick. Do you think it's time I see a doctor again? Or am I just screwed? All of this has got me very depressed, I hardly have energy to do anything anymore. All I do when I'm not working is sit on my butt and think of things I should be doing. I know I need help, but where do I start? I just want to get better and live a life. I'm smart enough to do anything I want. Doctor, lawyer, dentist, you name it and I honestly think I'm smart enough to do it. But I can't do anything if I have this problem, nothing.
