Sleeper -
You are a good man. This is the type of situation that can really affect you for a long time so it was good to read that you are seeking counseling.
I say this because I was in an eerily similar situation.
In June of 1996 I was in the middle of a round of Golf on a Tuesday morning, playing alone, when I heard a large crash to my left. Over the hole to my left was a small road with a very rutted ditch to the sides of it. Typically people drive much too fast on it.
I turned to see a van overturned on the street. I immediately pulled out my cell phone and dialed 911. I also began sprinting to the van, halfway there I noticed that the underside of the car, now in the air, was on fire. Sadly, a few other people on the golf course did not respond at all. The kept their distance and refused to come help.
Once I reached the van I looked inside to se the driver unconscious and 4 kids in the back. 2 of the kids in the back were in wheelchairs that had been strapped to the floor so that they didn't roll about the van.
Another golfer who did come over to help got the driver out. However, we could not get to the kids in the back and the rear door was locked. We took a golf club and broke the window so that we could unlock it and pry it open. We carried the 2 kids that were unstrapped to safety and then I was able to get one of the kids unstrapped and get him out before the truck was completely engulfed.
As I got the 3 kid out, he was like dead weight with no muscle tone, emergency services arrived. The truck was burning out of control and we could hear the shreiks from the child we could not get out.
By the time they got the flames under control, the last kid was dead. To this day I am filled with guilt for not being able to save him.
I did not seek counseling after the incident. About a year later my partner implored me to do so. I was becoming consumed with the guilt, it affected me every day and was becoming a problem in business.
I have learned to live with the guilt that I have, but still sometimes feel overwhelmed by it.
The 2 players that did not come to assist have since left my golf club because I was very vocal about their lack of character.
I am glad you are seeking counseling and very glad that the majority of people are truly good.
There is an old jewish/yiddish word, Mensch. It means someone who does the right thing, not because they are required to and not because it is the "smart" thing to do, they do it simply because it is the right thing to do.
you my friend are a MENSCH, and that is the highest compliment I can give to anyone
