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Originally posted by Bullet:
Will he be understanding and see that she is happy now...
When it comes to females, guys will never be understanding and happy that the girl of the predicament is better off. NEVER.
This isn't the movies, stuff like that doesn't happen. Your best bet is to confer with him and if things really hit off between you and the female, then he will just have to take it with a grain of salt and keep moving. There are PLENTY other girls out there.
HTH. 
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That's obviously a hard decision. My first instinct would be to say "Bro's before Ho's" and acting upon this once caused a riff between one of my closest friends. Eventually, he got over it and that ho got booted! BUT, 1.I knew she was a ho. 2. I know how my relationship with my bro was, so I knew that in a short while we could have a beer with him and laugh our asses off and call it good. My bro has since passed away (R.I.P.) and I still laugh and reminisce about "Debo's Girl!" On the other hand I can see where if your friendship isn't strong enough and your "bro" is insecure (which sounds like the case), I think that everything with the bro can go south. How does the "ho" feel about the situation? Is it something possibly longterm or just a fling? How "relationship mature" are the both of you individually? Is she willing to lose the friendship with the "bro" also??? These are all questions to ask yourself about the deal. But in all reality, You've seem to have already made up your mind.  Do what you gotta do.
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If you get with her, and your friend has any dignity left, he'll probably cut the both of you off.
"Friendships" where the guy is attracted to the girl simply don't work. Imagine having something you want real bad, and then having it rubbed in your face day after day that you can't. It's consuming, and unhealthy.
If he does ditch you, it doesn' tmean he's jealous, or a jerk, or selfish, or that he doesn't want her to be happy. That kind of stuff hurts real bad...I can't think of anyone who would just stand around and take it.
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Originally posted by TheGreatOne:
If he does ditch you, it doesn' tmean he's jealous, or a jerk, or selfish, or that he doesn't want her to be happy. That kind of stuff hurts real bad...I can't think of anyone who would just stand around and take it.
Yes it does! If the woman doesn't want you it's your job to get over it, it's your problem. It's your life. You are the one who's responsible for your own happiness not someone else!
Or you could just stalk her until she sees thing your way. 
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Originally posted by infuryum:
Cliff's Notes?
A guy, girl and me are friends. Girl rejected other guy when he told her he had feelings for her. Later, I started to get feelings for her, so did she for me. Wondering how to break it to the other guy with the least amount of hurt. Thats the basic story.
Originally posted by RT and his SE:
He'll never accept it and there's nothing you can do about it. The fact that no meant maybe to him the first go around says that the only way he will be happy is if she is with him and no one else.
That was the impression that she got too from an email he sent her one time. That if she wants somebody that will treat her right, then she knows where to find him. Seems that he views it as her only being happy if shes with him.
Originally posted by RT and his SE:
The whole "she not trying to be my friend" fit was jealousy because he didn't know what she was doing or who she could be with and she wasn't devoting her time to him. Someone is going to end up unhappy on this one and if your bro can't handle it...tough hop! You can be reasonable for his lack of maturity.
Yeah I'm pretty sure it was jealousy too. He gets like that if a bunch of us get together and she doesn't spend as much time around him as she would if all the others weren't around. He has to understand that theres more people in her life than just him, even if he is "always there".
Originally posted by NVS Mystique:
1st of all if he is going to let something like this breakup a long time friendship then he has issues. You aren't breaking the "code" so to speak because they never dated so you don't have to get his permission or approval. Let him hear it from the two of you tho and he will get over it.
Well thats what I'm hoping see, that he won't let this come between all of us, even though I can see why if it does. No they have never dated, and she has never shown any interest in him in that way. But we are planning to tell him about it, so that he hears it from the both of us at the same time. It would be best that way.
Originally posted by NVS Mystique:
BTW is M who I think it is?(the girl you showed me a pic of and I said was  and if you didn't go for her I would smack you) if that is the one then congradualtions once again 
Yeah M is who you think it is. And thanks for the congratulations but there'll be time for that when this situation is over with.
Originally posted by N-terst8:
*edit*
Sorry back to the point. That is crap... I have been on both sides of the equation on this type of situation and no matter what you do its gonna hurt... If this is just a "fling" I wouldn't risk it. But if this was because you too really like each other then I would say there is no problem with it. Even if they did date, I wouldn't worry about it.
Steve
I know that it is going to hurt either way, but we're trying to figure out the best way to do it so that it hurts less. This isn't just a fling either. We're both very serious about this. This is the first girl that I feel that I'm on the same page with about what we both want out of a romantic relationship. And where we've been friends for so long, we already have some of the foundation laid for a long lasting relationship.
Originally posted by DJ Capp 911:
bro's before ho's is very true
If you have a longstanding GF that is one thing but in this situation, you gotta stick with your homeboy and find another girl. IT also depends on how old you guys are too. And the only way to soften the blow between your relationship with him is if he hears it from the girl. If he hears it from you it will sound like you were sheisting him all along.
I can see what you're saying, but do you really think that I should put him first over this girl? I mean, we all got to know each other at around the same time, and I feel just as loyal to her as I do to him. Not only that, my "homeboy" can't be the "one". You know what I mean? And no I'm not saying we're gonna get married next week or something, but I'm not gonna marry my homeboy. I only date women. He's going to hear it from both of us at the same time, so its not going to seem like I was sheisting him.
Originally posted by MapOfTaziFoSho:
I don't understand why the happiness of two people should be dependent on a third. Bro's before ho''s is only good up to a point. That is really only applicable when you're at a party and you and your boy are goin for the same "ho" so to speak.
Go for it, but do it delicately.
Thats what I mean. When it comes down to it, its all about us, not about anyone else who may or may not feel hurt over this. Sometimes you just have to do what is right for you. I know that sounds selfish, but sometimes, you have to put your own happiness first. What if I did indeed stop this path right now. Wouldn't I be spending the rest of my life wondering what might have been? I could be missing out on an opportunity to be truly happy here. I don't want to do that. We want to do this delicately, thats why I've come here for advice. 
Originally posted by solefood21:
On the other hand I can see where if your friendship isn't strong enough and your "bro" is insecure (which sounds like the case), I think that everything with the bro can go south. How does the "ho" feel about the situation? Is it something possibly longterm or just a fling? How "relationship mature" are the both of you individually? Is she willing to lose the friendship with the "bro" also???
These are all questions to ask yourself about the deal.
But in all reality, You've seem to have already made up your mind.
Do what you gotta do.
Well this will be a definite test of our friendship, to see if indeed we can get past this. She feels the same way I do about this thing. We're in this for the long haul. When it comes to relationship maturity, we both have had a few in the past, but have not lasted (obviously). In each of our previous ones, the other individual just didn't have the same ideas/plans that we did, and wasn't willing to work through problems, even if they said they did starting out. But when it came down to it, they bailed. So thats why I feel so strongly about this. Thats why I feel so close to her. Finally somebody who I can be with who is willing to do what it takes to make this work, like I am. She feels the same. We both don't want to lose the relationship with the "bro" but we're not willing to let what we have fall by the way side either.
Originally posted by TheGreatOne:
If you get with her, and your friend has any dignity left, he'll probably cut the both of you off.
Thats what we're afraid of. But if it does come to that, I want to be sure we did everything we could to prevent it.
Originally posted by TheGreatOne:
"Friendships" where the guy is attracted to the girl simply don't work. Imagine having something you want real bad, and then having it rubbed in your face day after day that you can't. It's consuming, and unhealthy.
But he said he was over it is the thing, then a couple of days before me and the girl had our chat that started this, he decides to ask her out again. Thats not very fair to her, especially when she figured that it had been dealt with already. We'll be using discretion when around people that may be bothered by it, so we won't be "rubbing it in his face". But eventually, hes going to have to accept it.
Thanks for all of the advice so far. It means alot to get various opinions on this.
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I've been on your friends side of the whole mess before, no fun. I was able to realise that I could like her as a friend, me her and my friend are all still friends, we hang out alot. I heard about a website, www.myspace.com , its like a people web page, I've gotten a couple of dates off of it, been boosting my self confidence. Its been good for me. I think you should just tell him, as a couple, tell him that you two are together, hope he will still be friends with you guys. I have found, being up front, is good, because, even though it might hurt a little more, the hurt isnt as long lasting, and not as much resentment. good luck dude!
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Originally posted by RT and his SE:
Originally posted by TheGreatOne:
If he does ditch you, it doesn' tmean he's jealous, or a jerk, or selfish, or that he doesn't want her to be happy. That kind of stuff hurts real bad...I can't think of anyone who would just stand around and take it.
Yes it does! If the woman doesn't want you it's your job to get over it, it's your problem. It's your life. You are the one who's responsible for your own happiness not someone else!
Or you could just stalk her until she sees thing your way.
Unfortunately, cutting both of them off is the easiest way to deal with it. You don't just stop having feelings for someone, atleast not if those feelings are more than a simple physical attraction.
Walking away from the whole situation is the respectable thing to do. It will let her be happy and let him find someone else. Out of sight, out of mind. There's no way he's ever going to look at that girl and not think about his feelings for her. I know, i've been through it. What would you have him do? Keep his mouth shut and feel miserable every time he sees the girl from now on??
Originally posted by Bullet:
But he said he was over it is the thing, then a couple of days before me and the girl had our chat that started this, he decides to ask her out again. Thats not very fair to her, especially when she figured that it had been dealt with already. We'll be using discretion when around people that may be bothered by it, so we won't be "rubbing it in his face". But eventually, hes going to have to accept it.
Thanks for all of the advice so far. It means alot to get various opinions on this.
Again, if he had real feelings for her, he's not over it. Most people can't run their hearts on and off like a switch. And just try to imagine what he's feeling like right now. Every time he sees her he probably thinks to himself, "what's wrong with me?" You could say it's jealousy, but it's just the way the mind works. You'd have the same feelings if you were in his situation. Not being fair to her would be him sticking around and just making everyone uncomfortable.
Don't hold it against the kid, this is how life is...
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Originally posted by Chris Sontag:
I've been on your friends side of the whole mess before, no fun. I was able to realise that I could like her as a friend, me her and my friend are all still friends, we hang out alot.... I think you should just tell him, as a couple, tell him that you two are together, hope he will still be friends with you guys. I have found, being up front, is good, because, even though it might hurt a little more, the hurt isnt as long lasting, and not as much resentment.
good luck dude!
That is really encouraging to hear, that you could get past it even though it still hurt. I hope thats what happens here, and that he thinks the same way that you did.
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Originally posted by TheGreatOne:
Unfortunately, cutting both of them off is the easiest way to deal with it. You don't just stop having feelings for someone, atleast not if those feelings are more than a simple physical attraction.
I know that you can't just stop having feelings for someone. I've been here before, where I told somebody how I felt and they rejected me and didn't feel the same. The same as you can't turn off your feelings for someone, you can't just turn them on either.
Originally posted by TheGreatOne:
Walking away from the whole situation is the respectable thing to do. It will let her be happy and let him find someone else. Out of sight, out of mind. There's no way he's ever going to look at that girl and not think about his feelings for her. I know, i've been through it. What would you have him do? Keep his mouth shut and feel miserable every time he sees the girl from now on??
So if he can't be with this girl, he should just stop being friends with her? How is that better? That would discourage you from ever telling a friend how you feel ever again, because if they reject you, you'll have to walk away from it. Thats not better in my opinion. I've had to deal with girls that I've had feelings for before too, with whom things went south. Yes, I've thought about how I previously felt about them, but I had gotten over it. Sure hes going to be down about it for a while, but to say he will always be miserable doesn't make any sense.
Originally posted by TheGreatOne:
Not being fair to her would be him sticking around and just making everyone uncomfortable.
I don't see how him sticking around is going to make everyone uncomfortable. He asked her for an answer and she gave it to him. Same as I did with another girl in the past. But I never once held it against her, even when I heard that she found someone else. I respected her honesty and moved on. I know this is the way life is, but theres right and wrong ways of dealing with things. I'm seaching for the right way.
1996 MM
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White people love Wayne Brady because he makes Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X.
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