Contour Enthusiasts Group Archives Forums General Common Interests I need your help **My Heart is Broken**

there probably are different reason for her feeling the way she feels but if you are in a marriage or about to get married you just dont shut down like that. it takes so much more and i really dont want to put things into your head but the fastest thing to cause a shut down is someone else coming into the picture. in all honesty try to take yourself out the circle and look into it. man you can't afford something you cant afford it.what are you supposed to do buy the house knowing that you can't afford it. that in itself just isnt right. i know you are hurting but know one thing that so many things happen for a reason and i dont know your situation like you know your situation but like i said take yourself out the circle and start looking in as if you were the 3rd person. things will become so much more clearer and the best thing just might be happening to you and pray that also helps. one thing to always remember is that what dont break you can only make you stronger

Our type society today has ruined many a marriage. The "throw-away" attitude is so pervasive in our country that it is not uncommon to see many people who have been married 4, 5 or more times by the time they are 50! especially here in Florida.
Factor in all of the "what have you done for me" type attitudes, the greed, godlessness, the narcissism, lust, etc., etc., has driven a wedge between men and women.
What women are exposed to in the workplace and in the media does not help either.
Tony, don't totally blame or get down on yourself. It can't be all your fault!

I see a huge communication break down! You by not properly conveying you thoughts and her by not sharing when she is mad. I hate to say it but it looks like she went from being a young mother to married and hasn't really had a chance to live. Now she's seriously thinking about it but at the wrong time.

Communication is key. It's ok to get mad at each other but make sure they each persons full argument is heard and conveyed properly. I'm often very bad at saying things when I don't think. If I know I've said something to upset her a make a point of making sure she understood.

We take another persons word quite literally but two people can interpret them quite differently.

Good Luck!

-Andy

Tony,

My thought and prayers are with you. I hope everything works out for you and your family.

I read your original thread Sun morning, and after some heavy thinking will offer the following, oh and by the way, just because I thought about it a lot does not necessarily make it better. My name is Aaron and I too suffer from analysis paralysis.

There is already a lot of sound advice here, but I will offer this as well:

What you have said here proves that you are a man and can step up when the time calls for it. I donâ??t think that it is ever too late. You know the problems that you and your wife have shared and have found an answer for some and are prepared to deal with the rest. Now she has to see those answers, but it has to be on her own terms. This has been one of the hardest things for me to understand about Lindsey, my girlfriend of 5 years. I can tell her something and she will take note of it, but not until she see figures it out for herself and by herself does she truly believe it and take it to heart. This will take time and nothing you can do will change that. Patience will be your biggest help here.

It sounds like you are talking to family, friends and your church community about your situation. The fact that you can vocalize your feelings is a good start. Get it out there. It takes real courage to let everyone pick apart your guts when they are laid out in front of you.

You know that your family is important and you know where you faith is. Now you have to trust in them.

Tony, Lori, Chelsea and Camryn, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Stay strong.

My prayers are with you and your family. Hope everything works out for the best.

I think she is planning to move out/in on the 1st of October. I'm trying to find some inner peace about this, but it is really hard.

TB

Wow, Tony! I don't know what kind of advice I can offer, but I will try. I will pray for you and your family.

A couple books that I recommend, not necessarily to help get your marriage back on solid ground, but I think they would help.

The Five Love Languages. Gary Chapman also has one for children that you might be interested in. Another one is [urlhttp://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0310217687/104-8339800-0770310?v=glance]The Man in the Mirror[/url]. The first one my wife and I got while attending a weekly bible study at church on mariages and relationships. My church's Men's group is reading the second book over the course of this year. Admittedly, I have not been keeping up, but it is an excellent book.

Communication seems to be a big issue. I recognize it because it is my own biggest weakness, lack of effectively commnuicating my feelings to those I love. And no matter how many times I get hints of my errors, I don't change. Some day, I may be in your situation. Anyway, a good technique that I did learn is to repeat what the other has said, right after they say it. Whatever she says, you need to respond back with how you interpreted it. Follow up with, "So what I hear you saying is that ...." It is a very effective tool, even if it seems silly. A co-worker does this to me all the time about work related things, tells me back exactly how he understood what I said. A simple confirmation verifies how well you are doing. Both sides need to pratice.

I found this information that is very good:

Speaker skills:
Speaking for self (using "I" statements; avoiding blame or mind-reading)
Focusing on one topic at a time; keeping the conversation in the present (vs.bringing up old complaints)
Sharing ideas and feelings openly, honestly, and a little at a time (to allow partner to hear everything)
Maintaining eye contact and relaxed style

Listener Skills:
Paraphrasing, or repeating and clarifying what was heard
Empathy, or appreciating the partner's experience, feelings, viewpoint
Openness and warmth, without reacting or judging partner's statements, motives

Conflict Resolution:
Arranging for good times to talk (enough time, energy, positive attitude)
Maintaining ground rules of respect and constructive conversation
Identifying issues and goals (vs. arguing about everything
Maintaining calm; taking "time out" when tired or angry

Problem Solving:
Criteria-setting, identifying how decisions will be made or alternatives evaluated
Brainstorming, listing as many ideas for solutions or options as possible
Priority-setting, naming which issues, goals, or methods will be tried first
Changing in small steps rather than expecting radical leaps of attitude or lifestyle
Resources on Marriage

I also see some potential warnings that might arise. Be carefull on your road to recovery. Focus on yourself and what you can do. It is easy to think of 100 things the other person can do better. I would not offer much advice to your spouse on how she can improve. Only offer it if she asks.

I have not read it, but skimed it. This article I found looks like it has some good advice. Watch for traps.

And to close. I wrote this in my best man's speech for my best friend since kindergarten. I have only been married 4 years tommorow. My pastor gave me this advice, and I'll never forget it. I don't always adhere to it, but I always remember.

Treat your bride like a queen. Your love for her will be returned 10 fold. That seems easy at times, but this is the hard part. Very often, you will need to do this when you donâ??t really feel a strong love for Lori. When times are tough or problems occur in your relationship, it doesnâ??t matter who is at fault or who started it. You need to be the strong one to turn the situation around. Apologize for letting it get as low as it did, and start praising and doing things for her. She will just want some reassurance that you love her and will do everything it takes to prove it. She will let you feel like her king, even though you know who is in charge.

God's blessings on you. If you need another ear, I can PM my number.
Aaron