Contour Enthusiasts Group Archives Forums General Common Interests Some old-school jokes

I was browsing my documents and found a compilation of computer-related jokes in a Word doc I had created in 1998 ... so yeah, these are old. I have more if this topic stays popular.



Helicopter Flight into Seattle
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when
an electrical malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's electronic navigation and
communications equipment. Due to the clouds
and haze, the pilot could not determine the
helicopter's position and course to steer to the
airport.

The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it,
circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it
in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign
said 'WHERE AM I?' in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded
to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held
it in a building window. Their sign said 'YOU
ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map,
determined the course to steer to SEATAC
airport, and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the copilot
asked the pilot how the 'YOU ARE IN A
HELICOPTER' sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded 'I knew that had to be the
MICROSOFT building because they gave me a
technically correct, but completely useless
answer.'

-----------------------------------------------

Dr. Seuss Computer Instructions
If Dr. Seuss were a Technical Writer

Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort.
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash.
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

You can't say this?
What a shame, sir!
We'll find you
another game, sir!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on the mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side affects of Gauss,
So your icons in the windows are so wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC.
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

--------------------------------------------------------

Arrived Safely
Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer to let her know he had arrived safely.
Unfortunately, he miss typed a letter and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away.
The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

Keep them coming..

everything but the Dr. Seuss thing...that made my head heard /icepackftw

The Suess one was awesome!


But you forgot the oldest of the old school:


What do you call cheese that isn't your's?





Na'cho cheese!


Thanks folks, I'll be here all week, tip your waitresses.

===================================================

Y2K MYASS!
This memo is to announce the development of a new software system. We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data that is Year 2000 complaint. The program is referred to as the "Millennium Year Application Software System". (MYASS).

Next Monday at 9:00 a.m. there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. As for the status of the implementation of the program,
I have not addressed the networking aspects, so currently, only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after
MYASS expands.

Several people are using the program already and have come to depend on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find he had his nose buried in MYASS.

I've noticed that some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS. Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program, I had a secretary say, "I'm a little nervous. I've never put anything into MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and when we were through, she admitted it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she
was ready to kiss MYASS.

I know there are concerns over the virus found in MYASS upon initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however,
protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. We planned this database to encompass all information associated with the business.

So, as you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be common place to walk by an office and see a manager hand a paper to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company. In a recent audit, an employee was asked where he had secured the numbers on the report. He proudly exclaimed, "I just pulled them out of MYASS."

===================================================

Subject: Software Problems???
Software helpline excerpt ..................

I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the GirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly.

He was right - as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shutdown for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is in some obscure language that I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I've never liked how GirlFriend was totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0.

So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus.

Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw, which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off.

I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.

===================================================
One for the computer nerds:

OS chickenz!

Win 98 Chicken:
Will cross the road in June. No, August. September
for sure.

OS/2 Chicken:
It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was
so quiet that nobody noticed.

Win 95 Chicken:
You see different colored feathers while it
crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like...
chicken.

Microsoft Chicken (TM):
It's already on both sides of the road. And it
just bought the road.

OOP Chicken:
It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a
message.

Assembler Chicken:
First it builds the road ...

C Chicken:
It crosses the road without looking both ways.

C++ Chicken:
The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you'd
simply refer to him on the other side.

VB Chicken:
USHighways!TheRoad.cross (aChicken)

Delphi Chicken:
The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped
on the other side.

Java Chicken:
If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the
server will download one to the other side. (Of
course, those are chicklets)

Web Chicken:
Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just
keeps on running.

Gopher Chicken:
Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web
chicken.

Newton Chicken:
Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but
you can carry it across the road in your pocket!

Cray Chicken:
Crosses faster than any other chicken, but if you
don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives
on the other side fully cooked.

Quantum Logic Chicken:
The chicken is distributed probabalistically on
all sides of the road until you observe it on the
side of your course.

Lotus Chicken:
Don't you *dare* try to cross the road the same
way we do !

Mac Chicken:
No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken
to cross the road, so there's no way to tell it
to.

Al Gore Chicken:
Waiting for completion of NCI (Nation Chicken-
crossing Infrastructure) and will cross as soon as
it's finished, assuming he's re-elected and the
Republicans don't gut the program.

COBOL Chicken:
0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD VARYING STEPS FROM 1
BY 1 UNTIL ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE ELSE GO TO 0001-
CHICKEN-CROSSING

Years ago I ran into a dispute with an unreasonable customer who kept adding to the software specification for a thermodynamic design tool I was building.

I ended up putting a huge amount of unpaid time into the project to avoid problems with the ultimate Navy customer. The code was designed to evaluate the thermal behavior of different materials in a planar phased array radar system.

When I finally delivered the beta, I named it the â�?��?Embedded Antenna Thermal Materials Evaluatorâ�?� or â�?��?EATME.â�?� Big letters on the splash screen and in the technical and user documentation!

My â�?��?Bossâ�?� got real polite after that and in the end I finally relented and renamed it the â�?��?Slab Thermal Analysis Model (STAM).