Contour Enthusiasts Group Archives Forums General Common Interests Family problem - I need to vent ** EXTRA LONG **

As the title states, I just need somewhere to vent. I don't even care if anyone replies...

Okay, I have a little brother (Josh). He's 20 years old; 10 years younger than me. He's had a history of ADD / ADHD as he grew up. He's been in various medical facilities because he supposedly had problems coping with his rage. In the last few years, he's been arrested a couple of times for abuse towards my mother and sister. Strangely enough, the evidence for this abuse was never apparent. (My mother and sister live in different houses, but on the same land in OK.)

I live out here in AZ. I always heard about how he was such a bad kid; couldn't be controlled; would threaten people; etc.

Well, he and I got to talking a few months back and I offered to let him come stay with me so he could get his life on track. He needed to grow up and it was obvious this situation wasn't going to improve while he was in OK.

Fast forward to 3 months ago. He landed a job almost instantly when he got here. We agreed on an amount for him to pay for his share of food/lodging/utilities. All was going well.

After being here about 2 weeks his employer let him go because of his past driving record. It sucked, but I told him just to beat the streets again and he'd find something else.

Well, he got lazy. He basically explored one job opportunity at a time and seemed to have lost his motivation. After a couple weeks of watching him get up after noon, eat all my food, not chip in money and not seriously look for employment I gave him an ultimatum:

"Be employed and actively seeking an apartment or you're out by September 7."

Now this still gave him about 3 weeks to show me he was trying again. The real reason for the ultimatum was to get him off his ass and turn him into an adult (which was the underlying reason to asking him to come out to AZ to begin with). I had no real intentions of kicking him out into the street, but I wanted him to think I did.

Fast Forward to Labor Day. Josh had found a job and had applied at a few different apartments and was waiting for them to contact him. I got a phone call from my sister. She was pissed because they were under the impression we were kicking Josh out no matter what on the 7th.

I explained that our intentions were not to make him homeless, but to light a fire under his ass and put him on the fast track to maturity. For some reason, I could not make this point sink in. My mother and sister were getting defensive with my wife and I saying we were gold-diggers and had no respect for family!

I need to make the point that though we had settled on a specific $ amount / week Josh would pay, we'd only collected on it 3 times out of about 10. The 3rd time he paid us he volunteered it; so it isn't like we were asking him about it all the time......or even rarely for that matter.

Okay, back to the phone call. I don't know why, but most of the anger my sister and mom had seemed directed towards my wife. They refused to understand that my wife was just as interested in seeing Josh strike out on his own as anyone was. (Hell, before I had a chance to ask her what she thought of Josh coming out to stay with us, she volunteered the idea to me!) The conversation even degraded into them using racial slurs towards her (she's Filipina, so things like "can she even read English?" and "she's not even American...what does she care?" were the norm. Keep in mind she is a citizen and can read English).

Well, I had it out with them for longer than I should have and basically told them to discount the AZ family they had. I don't need them....never have, never will (that's another story altogether).

So today I spoke to my brother (whom picked up the keys to his apartment, I might add ) and he tells me that mom was making more snide remarks about us regarding "kicking him out". There are other things, but I don't feel like getting into all of it.

I guess I do have a question I'd like a response to. If anyone read this whole thing, what could possibly cause my family to suddenly lash out towards my wife and I when all we're doing is turning my brother into a man??

I've always been on good terms with my mom and sister and I'm partly baffled by this and partly heart-broken because I know that things will never be the same. Regardless how much apologizing is done my wife will NEVER forget this. I will no longer go out of my way to ensure my kids know that side of the family. Hell, even I'll probably NEVER forget this.

They are jealous of you and your life away from them.

The comments about your wife are unforgivable IMO.

Hey D... maybe because he is the "baby" of the familly and your mom and sister are so used to taking care of him and grant him everything he wants, and they might of expected you to do the same thing by taking all his b.s. and not doing anything about it like telling him to get a job and find a place to live ???

As far as the wife thing i don;t really know maybe they never really liked her or maybe it was the easiest thing to do call her names.

Eric

You made him a man and they couldn't!


Ack! Family

Who knows what your brother was telling them. He was probably getting them to feel sorry for him while he had it in his mind that he might have been going back there really soon.

Thanks for the sensible replies. I have considered those things (jealousy, the need to play the part of "victims", etc.). I just really needed to get this out in the open to someone that has no connection to myself or my family and see if I was maybe misinterpreting this.

Nice to see you, Eric

My dad was the same way with me when I moved back home. I could live with him as long as I chose to IF I was employed. If I was just going to [censored] around and mooch and not work, I could get out and live with the rest of the bums.

You did the right thing and for your family to talk about your wife like that is unforgiveable. My fiancee has warned me that certain members of her family might be put off by my last name Valdez but she said she'll make it clear that if they won't accept me as her husband and treat me with respect, they might as well consider themselves "written off". I told her to tell her family that the Valdez clan have been in New Mexico since the Spanish Colonial period and some members of my family, though Hispanic, are just as prejudiced against Mexicans as they are.

Based solely on your post it sounds like your Mom and sis spoiled your bro. I guess their perception that you are "being cruel" to him combined with whatever other factors are causing the friction resulted in a lot of baggage being projected onto this situation. Sounds like you're doing the right thing as it pertains to your bro, though.