Contour Enthusiasts Group Archives Forums General Common Interests George Carlin Strikes Again ...............

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water?Try spelling Evian backwards.NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

3. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs",what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea. Does that mean that one enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:
A. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
B. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
C. Baptists do not recognize each Other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,does he become disoriented?

7. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

8. Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

9. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

10. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

11. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

12. When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in. . . What happens to the other penny?

13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

14. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

15. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

16. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

17. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

18. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

19. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

20. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

21. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed.

22. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge. Would they call it Fed UP?

23. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

24. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

25. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me. They're cramming for their final exam.

26. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

27. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the letter carrier can look for them while they deliver the mail?

28. If it's true that we are here to help others,then what exactly are the others here for?

29. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

30. No one ever says,"It's only a game" when their team is winning.

31. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

32. Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

33. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

34. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Might be some repetition but this is what I have.

Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them. But if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you have to touch it to be sure?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mail men could look for them while they delivered the mail?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that to stop "Windows", you have to click on "Start"?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor and dish washing liquid is made with real lemons?
Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of that same substance?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

THese are good. Thanks.