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I went on the dream date that I mentioned last week and it went very well as we floated down the Potomac River on a dinner cruise. The whole evening was great and I thought my date and I hit it off. The next day, I left for a science conference in Boulder and purchased a calling card so that she could give me a ring without having to spend on the long distance charge. I left a message on her answering machine and went off to the technical sessions. Later that afternoon, I swung by the University of Colorado library to check my email and photocopy a few articles. She sent me an email that tore my heart out and stomped it into dust. She told me that she was not interested in a romantic relationship with me. I have no problem with this part since I would take it in stride. However, she then added that she went out with me so that I could cruise so that I would gain an appreciation for the many different types of women I might find. WTF? Like I'm a charity case? I mean, she couldn't wait to tell me this in person or even on the phone? My feelings only merited a brief text message sent from thousands of miles away? Well, I was in a bad mood for the rest of the conference, got plastered on my return and then fired off an angry email to her in my hungover state citing some of the things that I learned from the experience. So it ends before it even began. What the hell did I do wrong? It's not like I am a pathetic or desperate slob. I give up on trying to figure women out. It just gives me a headache. I thought this woman was it i.e. the girl of my dreams in every way. She gave all appearances of feeling the same level of attraction towards me. I am leaving the dating pool now. It's not safe in there. Maybe I'll return at a later date with body armor and shark repellent.
I feel for you buddy.

I recall dating and it can be a really stressful situation for some.

I know my words probably don't mean much now, but it really is better you find out early before you've invested much emotionally, only to get the brushoff.

However, you know that you have to let go of the hurt and get right back into that pool. Sitting on the sidelines will not do you any good. I'm not saying be desperate and jump anything that moves, but don't lose confidence in yourself.

Seems to me she is the one with issues since she couldn't even tell you to your face that it just didn't click.

However, when (yes when) it happens again, remain composed and tell them you had a wonderful time with them and wish them well.

Girls/Women talk wink

TB
Who learned nearly a decade ago, that to find the one for you, you have to be the one first.
I think you let it build up in your head too much. If you were yourself on the date, then you have to deal with the fact that you weren't for her and she wasn't for you. If you had trouble being yourself, then you should either learn from that or ask for another chance from her.

You should always rely on sound and not digits when communicating with someone that you may be romantically involved in. Electronic communication is not natural, and I'm sure she found what she said easier to say because it was typed.

You say you're not desperate, etc. But your grief coming from the failure of this date kind of indicated that you are. I say that with no lack of respect for you, and I did not say that to offend you. I'm just trying to make you see the reality of the situation. The following is important...

The only body armor you need is confidence. Putting all your hopes into one person shows a lack of confidence. If you go out with a woman and she says she only went out with you so you could see what other women are out there, and you say "whatever" and move on, then you're the winner. But if you continue to do what you're doing, you're the loser and she's the winner. Which would you prefer?

It all lies in confidence, my man. And stay away from english professors, please.
I feel for you myself,,,I am trying to date, and after what seems to be great evenings, all I have been getting lately is: I just dont feel the connection...!!

WTF do they want after a couple of dates...they want depth, but they want the instant whamo...Women are getting weirder by the day..!!!
I've been on this planet for a short time, but I've done,seen and figured out quite a few things during that time. Again and again, there's been only one subject that can jump up and totally confound me once I dare think I've got it patially figured out:

Women.

It seems that some (not all, mind you) of that species exists in some sort of temporal warp, because the merest posession of any stability (mental or emotional), barefaced honesty and frankness totally escapes them.

I must say I got very lucky, blessed or both with my wife, for she rarely if ever pulls any emotional or mental 180's on me...

Having said that, the best thing that worked for me in the dating field was to approach relationships (those that involved more than the typical college 2-week beer-googles, flagrant fornication and the inevitable disenchantment)with the same caution that merits a coiled cobra with it's hood flared. EXTREME caution. That, and having quite low expectations on having anything truly fun and meaningful happening when trying to get physically and emotionally close to something as beautiful and dangerous as that...

In any case, this too, shall pass and I hope things turn out for the best. It sucks to have such hopes dashed, but better hopes during a trial run than expectations and love during a meaningful relationship...
Quote:
Originally posted by EdwardC:
I thought this woman was it i.e. the girl of my dreams in every way.
did you in any way let her know you felt this way about her?
LMAO!!!!! sorry but I'm like that.. I really feel for you, me and the rest of CEG was routing for you.. But all good things come to an end.. trust me you'll find better.. In the meantime have fun and save your money.. women are expensive toys/hobbies.. I've burnt through all my money this year partying with them and it was fun as hell!! though I'n now dead broke and single.. so just keep on looking and you'll find an affordable woman that you can love.. or just party hard till your broke like me :p
all you guys complaining that women are expensive gotta learn how to find chicks that'll pay for their half of the meal. (or at least agree to switch off on who pays for stuff)
going broke just because of a girl is pretty silly.

you boys is so old fashioned :p
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did you in any way let her know you felt this way about her?
Yes. I honestly did. This is typically a huge mistake for guys in most dating situations but I felt that strongly about it. I will never repeat this mistake.
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gotta learn how to find chicks that'll pay for their half of the meal
Not on my watch! Call me an old fashioned dufus but a man has a certain responsibilities on a date. Paying for the meal is one of them.
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Originally posted by EdwardC:
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did you in any way let her know you felt this way about her?
Yes. I honestly did. This is typically a huge mistake for guys in most dating situations but I felt that strongly about it. I will never repeat this mistake.
ahh I thought so...
learning from mistakes is very good.
wink
I strongly suggest you don't do that again, especially on a first date.
then again, chicks have this uncanny ability of already knowing that a guy feels that way about them, even if he doesn't say it in so many words.

Seriously though, I feel for ya.
hope things turn out in your favor eventually.
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chicks have this uncanny ability of already knowing that a guy feels that way about them, even if he doesn't say it in so many words.
Could it be that starving dog looking in the butcher shop window look on our faces? laugh

I think that's true! I had more women interested in me when I was married then I do now that I'm divorced! (And no I never strayed will I was married!)

Hang in there Edward!
Her extra comment was low. Screw it. Go out and raise hell the next couple of weekends. Have fun. Blow off some steam. Liqour is a better friend than many women! laugh
sure, it sucks for you know, but put it into perspective. it was one date? with one girl? there will be more dates, and there will be more rejections, its life. keep your head up and stay positive, dont think about the worst, and be happy with what you have.
Quote:
Originally posted by EdwardC:
What the hell did I do wrong? It's not like I am a pathetic or desperate slob.
Yo you went about total wrong. You have to read the player's handbook If you don't know what that Is then you have no chance friend. All that romantic Sh*t Is out the door those Mom and Pop day's are long gone. I'm 28, single not looking for a long time relation ship and Having a good time here In NYC There plenty of girls out here And It only takes a couple of drinks, A GOOD RAP And a clean SVT.
EdwardC: You have my sympathy, I have been in that position several times myself. I have decided to just stop looking. As many married men will point out, when you aren't looking, all the women find you.

-Pete
Well kool aid,

I mean if the playa system works for you then more power to you. I just don't think that I can attract the quality of woman I am seeking wearing a pimp hat and gold teeth. Don't get me wrong. Those things can probably get you surprisingly far but I would be somewhat out of place wearing a four finger ring and gold studded earrings at the next science algorithm black tie dinner.
You sometimes just have to be a prick to some of them. Look at all the hotties and their prick boyfriends!!!!!
bad advice, as edward seems to be the nice guy type (like me). all i can say is, i've had my heart crushed many a time by girls who i might have thought were "it" but now i have the girl who is "it" and she hasn't crushed me wink (two months and counting). i know that's not long, the point is: you will know when you've found "the one". you'll know that she feels as strongly about you as you do her. you won't have to put a show on for her all the time (after the first few dates). don't lose hope, but more importantly, don't try so hard. that's how i found my woman. i wasn't looking.

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Originally posted by Escort1991:
You sometimes just have to be a prick to some of them. Look at all the hotties and their prick boyfriends!!!!!
don't want to sound resentful or anything else, but nice guys do finish last. b.s. if anyone else tells you other wise. atleast now adays... :rolleyes:
My sympathies Edward, I know the feeling :rolleyes: Everyone else will give good advice as well so ill keep it brief. Long story short - In a similar situation I had a date that went great, but I wound up never being able to get ahold of her again after that. The pain of not even knowing what the deal was became incredibly painful.

If anything, appreciate the fact that YOU had a nice and enjoyable evening, even if it was only just once. In the end, at least she was honest(albeit with flawed reasoning) and she was up front. Remember, the only thing you deserve on a date is that persons company...nothing more nothing less.

Just move on bud! "Next....!!" laugh
Best way to get a womans attention is to all of a sudden ignore her. Seem like you're not interested at all. I know its playing mind games but I truely have come to the conclusion that women dont want a nice guy or one that is straight up with them.
It sounds like you may think a little like myself. When you meet someone they can be perfect. Everything about them, their personality, their attitude, their looks, its all just perfect. You think you click with them like they are 'the one.' Then you mind will wander and think other things into 'what could be.' You will begin to overthink what is happening between you and them. Something goes wrong, you are hurt, and they don't realise that they have hurt you so much. Yes, what she did sounded very screwed up, and she was wrong. If the intrest wasn't there she should have let you know.

Personally, I have been out of the dating pool for over two years. We was in a relationship and everything was perfect. All of the sudden it was like the crystal ball of love was dropped and shattered into a million pieces. After that, I got too tied up into thinking, why? I kept overthinking our relationship and tried to figure out what I had done wrong. Needless to say I ended up in counseling because of how messed up I had gotten myself. I wouldn't let anyone near me, including family and friends, for fear I was going to be hurt. Counseling helped, and I started to get turned around. I still stayed FAR away from the dating pool, just because. Finally, yesterday after two and a half years I went on a date. I was so nice just to get out and have fun. I am looking forward to our next date. smile

If you need some time, take it, but like Davo said, don't loose confidence in yourself. Others around you can tell, and will stay away. The same thing is true about being desperate. Just go out and have fun. If nothing comes of it, you spent some cash for some fun. If something comes of it, you have a second date, and a third, and....
Don't sweat it, EdwardC. Just keep being yourself and sooner or later the right person will come along. Life's too short to worry about some chick who would rather write you a novel over e-mail than talk to you face-to-face.
Quote:
Originally posted by EdwardC:
Well kool aid,

I mean if the playa system works for you then more power to you. I just don't think that I can attract the quality of woman I am seeking wearing a pimp hat and gold teeth. Don't get me wrong. Those things can probably get you surprisingly far but I would be somewhat out of place wearing a four finger ring and gold studded earrings at the next science algorithm black tie dinner.
Who still wear this sh*t? :rolleyes: Dude, your problem seems to be that you are so stuck back in the early eighties.

I suggest you go out and get yourself a nice suit and head to the local bar/club. Women do not give a crap about love anymore - it's all about what you got and how you present it!

BTW, after looking at your title, does this mean that you are throwing in the towel and leaning towards turning ghey? :p
EdwardC, it seems to me you pushed the envelope too far, with letting her know how strong your feelings are, and giving her the calling card to call YOU (!) Maybe the romantic dinner cruise was a little much for a first date...

Believe me, I'm not defending her; her tactfulness leaves a lot to be desired.But tipping your hand too early about your feelings is the FATAL ERROR that I've made more than once!

Dust yourself off, and get back on that horse....

Good Luck!
I agree with Jato and Icey Mike for the most part. The most important thing a single guy can do is have his game as tight as possible in all aspects. If I were you, I would kill the puppy dog approach.
The best girls come along when you aren't looking!

-Andy
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Originally posted by Andy W.:
The best girls come along when you aren't looking!

-Andy
I have to agree with this too; however, someone usually find out the hard way somewhere down the road. IMO, I would rather find out now, rather than 1 year down the roads.
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Originally posted by EdwardC:
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did you in any way let her know you felt this way about her?
Yes. I honestly did. This is typically a huge mistake for guys in most dating situations but I felt that strongly about it. I will never repeat this mistake.
Hey Ed,

Sincerely sorry to hear about your bad experience here. Let me be the first to say that, while I know you feel hurt beyond words in one way or another, don't change who you are just because of this one bad experience. Stick to your convictions, someone WILL come along sooner or later that is a great match for you. Someone that isn't afraid or runs away when you voice how you truly feel up front and with honesty. I'm happily married to such a woman myself. They ARE out there, and while rare in quantity, are worth the wait. Keep your head above water and DO NOT let this one experience sour your approach, OK? Unfortunately in today's shallow society, people like you and I aren't much rewarded for our approach, sigh... frown

While I would generally agree that laying such serious feelings out on the table is a risky proposition, let's face it, you knew the risk and you took it, and now the consequences have come about. Unfortunately for you, your expectations weren't met, and that's putting it lightly judging by your expressed disappointment here. Perhaps you might consider putting aside your hurt feelings and making apologies to her for coming on so strong and for your scathing email and trying to be friends with her? Just an idea...you never know what is truly in a woman's mind dude, it can't hurt to try.

As weird as it may sound, have you ever tried any kind of dating service., etc? I've got some friends who actually had great success using something along this line, what's the worst that can happen? In the end, we're all seeking the same thing, relationship, whether in family, with friends, or with a mate for life, that's what we all cherish. I wish you Godspeed in your journey to find someone with whom you can share your life in a meaningful way for you.
Actually, I love being rejected because I learned so much from it. I cant believe that some of you guys would apologize to this girl for coming on to her strong. :rolleyes:

The first thing I would think from a girls point of view is that you are a real sucker! And some girls thrive on this because these are the dudes that pay for their nails and shopping sprees at Gucci, while they are at my house receiving their daily dose of you know what and giving me your money. :p

This is true to the fact, so dont take it with a grain of salt Ed.
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Originally posted by Icey Mike:
Actually, I love being rejected because I learned so much from it. I cant believe that some of you guys would apologize to this girl for coming on to her strong. :rolleyes:

The first thing I would think from a girls point of view is that you are a real sucker! And some girls thrive on this because these are the dudes that pay for their nails and shopping sprees at Gucci, while they are at my house receiving their daily dose of you know what and giving me your money. :p

This is true to the fact, so dont take it with a grain of salt Ed.
IMHO these aren't women you are dealing with here, they are immature girls who have a warped view of life and what we are here for, and they are searching just as desperately for real love and affection as everyone else is, thinking that sex is going to get them what they are looking for. Either that or they are manipulative in nature, and devoid of any real ability to experience love. Yeah, the physical satisfaction you are getting out of it all might seem worth it, but sooner or later it won't be, trust me.

Gotta go hit the gym now...later guys! smile
Well, I am not throwing in the towel,,,but I am not taking any of these chicks to the nice restaurants i like to take them once in awhile,,,,Its Pizza parlor dating from now on, baby!
You could pray for guidance....... eek

.....ooh, maybe not......HE might be mad at you yet....

laugh
EdwardC,
First a quick question if you don't mind.. how old are you?

Now a few quick things I am younger than you but if anyone has blown it/been rejected more times, its got to be me heh heh heh.

On a date, don't seem to "available" you know what I mean?
Don't talk to much about work, just a little.
Make sure you probe around and find out what she is interested in, the less you talk about yourself the less chance you have to look like an as*...
Never bring up Ex's!!!! (First date rule)
Be funny!!

Easy stuff, never get to deep.

I know this sounds too simple but I used to over analyze everything, keeping it simple works better.
If its there, its there.. if its not its not.
IF not, be friends.. who knows she might have hot friends who she will hook you up with.. worked for me lots of times

Ryan
At least she didn't screw your best friend before filing for divorce! (ask me about my ex-wife - I dare you!) Keep your perspective, Ed. Women aren't something that can be resolved or figured out. That assumes that they're simple and rational.

I'd offer lots of advice, but Andy W. seems to have hit the nail on the head. The best ones show up when you're not looking. It's almost like they have "guy on the prowl" radar. They know when we're looking...and they avoid us.

Trust me on this: Better no relationship than a bad relationship. I wish I had taken that advice on more than one ocassion.
Quote:
Originally posted by infuryum:
couldnt resist, too perfect, women suck.
mines still keeping me happy for now but in general they suck.
Sorry man,

That is kind of rough. No one wants to feel like a charity case...kind of freakish on her part.

A couple of pointers:

1) If a girl wants to pay for her 1/2 of the meal, and you don't let her, she may interpret that as you are conservative (not as in old-fashioned gentleman, but as in like you will be asking where your Turkey Pot Pie is someday when she is Mrs. EdwardC and you come charging in from work).

I always offer to pay and if she insists, I gratiutiously accept, but then counter with drinks/dessert on me, etc.

2) People love honesty, and they also like stability. Sometimes honest emotions of the strong variety early on in a relationship (e.g. 1st date!) can be interpreted as instability. Just something to think about.

Good luck next time!
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Originally posted by Contouraholic:
You could pray for guidance....... eek

.....ooh, maybe not......HE might be mad at you yet....

laugh
...or look for a woman at church.... lol laugh

It's surprising how someone can seem so intellectual in thought, yet be so immature in emotion. One minute you are devoid of emotion and logic rules your universe, and the next you are swooning over some woman as if she were the last. Did you really think that this woman was "it"? How much contact did you have with her? Come on, Ed. I might be coming off a little harsh, but think about it.

(Oh, and I do think you scared her away.)
Edward C.

I am sorry that things did not work out for you, I really am.

But, I have to agree with Sandman....judging from what you described in your posts, I think that you came on too strong.

Though I disagree with many of your viewpoints, I sincerely hope that you find a life partner who is worthy of you. Don't give up yet. smile
Ed-

Believe it or not, some of the women out there are in it solely for the ego-boost; hence, the "she did you a favor" line.

Anyway, a little advice: go real slow. I mean, a big, perfect date on a river sounds like the kind of thing you go on after the relationship has started.

Also- everybody gets burned at least once in their life; you've probably done it to someone, too.
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Originally posted by Black on Black:

Anyway, a little advice: go real slow. I mean, a big, perfect date on a river sounds like the kind of thing you go on after the relationship has started.
I hear that. Movies and dinner and bowling and mini-golf for at least the first few dates. Seems like you two had your honeymoon for a first date.
Methinks Sandman has a point! You gotta play it cool, or else the ladies might think you are a nutcase. Playing hard to get and half interested works quite a bit. A lot of women, if they like you, then get into the challenge. I swear. This has worked for me too many times in the past.
Don't sweat it! It happens all the time. In the words of my wise ole' brudda, who's had plenty of experience with women:
"All women are nutty; the trick is to find one who is the least nutty"!
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